iI don't know, rRhi. mMaybe you don't even notice you do this, but. I don't want you to stop,. likeBut when you send me songs that you want me to listen to, I think you're referring to me in those lyrics that I heard, but. tThen I think, w"Why would she be referring to me? sShe doesn't like me." like wWhy am I thinking like this but them words like? In those words, there was hope. yYou feeill me up with so much hope, it's nuts, . but rRhi, you're my one of my best friends, and I hold you more dearestly thean anythionge else,. To tbe honest, I don't feel cthat Cris treats you right, but I don't see what's behind closed doors, so for all I know, he could treat you like a fucking queen,. mMaybe I'm just jealous and I feel I canould treat you better,. mMaybe I just crave you so much, I will dis another person that I really know nothing about,. mMaybe all these things I said are turue. mMaybe even some are made -up things in my head,; maybe that's how fucked up I am,. I make it seem that you want me, when all in reality, I'm not what I want to be,; I'm just the opposite,. mMaybe I'm making this up so I don't ever thingk you will leave ,. tTo actually make up someone's love for you because you're scared they will leave , how fucking low is that? fuck man I'm sorry, rRhi. I don't even know who tf I am anymore. wWhy tf am I so lost? wWhy tf do you have to make me lose myself? bBut maybe I've actually found myself, and this is who I am, a loving boy who just wants the affection of the one he loves the most,. mMaybe that's who we all are on the inside, and I've actually found the one twhato changed me, but not the one twhato will keep me changed ,but. tThe saddest part about all of this is that you won't feel the same, but then again, my fucking head hurts when I think that and I remember the fucking text.. aAll these songs you made me look up, was that all for niothing? If I send this as theo tbe honest, all you're going to say is, "sSorry," and really, what the fuck does that do? it hurts more yYou saying sorry hurts more thean you actually rejecting that you're falling for me. fFuck, man, I just wannat to know the truth, but then again, I don't, because what if it's not what I wannat to hear, and I go nuts? To tbe honest, I have a lot of control jissuest, and the drugs are saying mustch of theis shit for me,. I just wannat to try to use, but then I'm scared, ; I'm scared that I won't be enough, . I mean, cCris does have a bit over me, I mean. I gave my car away, so he has that over me,. mMy name comes with a lot of pain behind it and sorrow behind it, with things haveI have had to iendoure for years,. I'm sorry I'm saying all iof this, but I'm probably goinnag to send it all, maybe not, but. I just want answers, but I feel I would get the same answers over and over but, with different results, like dating you after cCris is still a no, but it's just a different format, ofr "no" in a nicer way, or maybe even transforming into a maybe,. I put aind all this work I done put in long ago, and nowi there's this work I just started.